Missing June

Lately I've been missing my mom, alot. I just want to call her up like I used to and tell her all the things that are going on in my life and see how she's doing. Just like we used to. I want to catch her up on the little boys and how they are growing up. Tell her how Whitney and Tyler found their perfect soulmates and had beautiful weddings. Tell her how Nick is a great teacher of English. I want to show her pictures of Christmas and share how beautiful my secret garden is in the summer. I want her wisdom and to feel her love. I just want to hear her voice.

I had such a wonderful relationship with my mom. We were best friends, chatting several times a week about everything and about nothing. One of the things I am most grateful for in my life is that when she died so suddenly I feel that nothing was left undone. She knew I loved her. What a peace that has brought me when I have times like these missing her so.
I had an experience when I was sick with Nocardia. I had been admitted to the hospital not able to breath and had to stay there for about a week while trying to get my oxygen levels to 90. It was a difficult time, the doctors were giving me high doses of prednisone and I had to be on oxygen constantly, with breathing treatments every four hours. I had been in and out of the hospital several times at this point and always made a point of sending thank you notes to the staff when I was there, even if it was just the emergency room, so many of the staff knew me at the hospital. (They treat you really nice if you send thank you notes). Anyway, the nurses and aids always treated me so kindly and one respiratory therapist in particular would come in and try to calm me when I would get anxious. She would sit and talk to me very quietly and tell me in a very calm voice to just breath. Her name was June. When she was in the room I felt my mom's presence, just telling me to breath. I felt more calm. I loved it when June was on duty. That's the only time I've ever felt my mom's presence. But I cherish that experience, and when I miss mom I not only think of our wonderful chats on the phone, but I think of that particular hospital stay and know that she's still with me caring and loving and knowing what's going on. It helps, a little.

What is Nocardia?

After my recent posts I was asked by a few to explain the illness I had that proceeded my drug addiction. About five years ago I became ill with what appeared to be a respiratory problem. The doctors could not figure out what was going on. But after several emergency runs to the hospital not able to breath and two week long visits there we knew something serious was happening. This started in January and by June I had been on oxygen and high doses of prednisone and undergone many tests still not knowing why I was sick. One such test was particularly scary. The results were a collapsed lung and some spots on the other lung. We spent a long weekend praying and fasting that things would go well, and when the doctor called on Monday our prayers were answered. The scrapings showed a very rare bacteria called Nocardia. At last we had a name for what was causing my problems. Nocardia only affects about 500 people in the US a year, so it is fairly difficult to diagnose. It is a bacterial infection that usually starts in the lungs. It can spread to other organs, most often the brain and the skin. But may also involve the kidneys, joints, heart, eyes and bones. Complications of nocardial infections may lead to scarring and chronic shortness of breath. Brain abscesses may lead to loss of neurological function. At one point I had such serious sinus problems, I had to have surgery on my sinus's to make sure the nocardia had not spread to my brain. When they finally diagnosed the illness, it took a year and a half of antibiotics to kill the bacteria. The trick was to stay alive while the antibiotics were slowly killing the bacteria. A large oxygen machine became a part of my life and many other breathing treatments. But the big thing that kept me breathing was the dreaded medication prednisone. It keeps you alive, but causes all kinds of awful side affects. I gained 50 pounds, my mind and nervous system got really messed up, when I was on the prednisone intraveneously I had to be on insulin, because it puts you in a diabetic state. If I was on high doses I'd have more energy and be able to breath better, but the minute we'd start tapering down my body would just crash. Needless to say, the next few years I was in and out of the hospital or in bed trying to keep my oxygen level at 90 or above. It was a long and trying time for both me and my family, but with prayer and faith we lived through it. Some would say they would like to forget such miserable times as these, I might agree, but can't, because as awful as it was, I was served by family and friends with such kindness, love and understanding, that I need to remember those valuable lessons learned so I can serve others now that I have been given the most wonderful gift of health.