Valentines Day

Happy Valentines to the people who make my world a happy place to be in. 

 I love you all!  

DeSpain Family 2013 What a Wonderful World

To my family. Thanks for a wonderful year.  You have Blessed my life.
Love, your mom and grama

"The fragrance always stays in the hand that give the Rose"

What a wonderful world. 

 That is a strange sentence to write down after reading the newspaper and listening to the news.  There are so many things going on that can bring a person down.
 I have had a particularly rough month.
 But even with all the heartache, physical illness and all kinds of other strange goings on..there is still so much of heaven everywhere.
 The contrast for me is so strong.
 When I get down or falter or go back a step or two,
 what keeps me going is the army that Heavenly Father chose to bless me with.
   I believe that Heavenly Father works through us.
 I am constantly amazed by the courage of people like Tyler Hallsey and his family and Burgen Jensen and her family.
 They give me strength.

 I live in an area that could only be called Heaven in the middle of a world in crisis.
  Here we have a bit of peace. 
A little bit of land with houses dotting the hill..and those homes are filled with people who all have problems,
 but who take care of each other
Such a pure love dwells here. 
The closeness that we feel is priceless.
 The love that ties us together is a rare thread, it doesn't break.
 All of the people give of themselves over and over again.  They never stop, they just keep on giving.  I have been the recipient of their generosity and love over and over.

 

"..have miracles ceased?  Behold I say unto you, Nay; neither have angels ceased to minister unto the children of men."

 

Moroni 71: 29

 

Miracles have not ceased and angels do exist. 
They are all living in my neighborhood. 

 

"..charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever.."

 

Moroni 71:47

 

And these angels who live here have the charity that this scripture is talking about. 

My dear friends and neighbors have given out so many roses over the years. 
It smells like a rose garden as you walk down the street.

I am so grateful I live among these lovely people.

Reflections on Summer

I love summer. 

Warm nights, blue skies, beautiful flowers

And most of all, the family gets together. 

 Nick comes home for a few weeks,  the  DeSpain Gang flies out from the East to spend time with us.

  I love when the cousins all get together to play and have fun.

  They've been swimming at the Latimer's, played in our back yard. 

We've been to a Bee's game, a Real game, Draper Days, to Pinedale and back, we've ridden horses, fed a pig. 

 We've been together.

I've seen my flowers grow, sung with my cousins once more,

seen a beautiful rainbow, watched the sunset. 

 Held my little Wren, watched Jim take walks with Dylan,

 see the big boys fish with their Dad. 

 Spent days with Jake, Sam and Dylan, hugging, playing and laughing. 

I've spent time with my family in my lovely home. 

I love summer.

Extraordinary Women

 I was reading in my book "Daughters in my Kingdom." 

The first paragraph in that book is the best as it talks about  examples of ordinary women who accomplish extraordinary things as they exercise their faith.  I have been blessed to be surrounded by such women. 

You don't hear about these women in magazines, newspapers, or movies.

  These are real women, who have amazing stories, who live life with courage and faith. 

 They overcome heartbreak and discouragement and come through stronger. 

They are beautiful because of the way they live and meet their challenges.

From Grama Bagley I may not have learned the art of quilting or stitching

 (that skipped generations to my daughters),

but I feel a kinship with her when I think about home, children and church.

Here is a quote from her journal,

 where she describes her feelings when she is about to lose her home.

 "I have become attached to this place. I love the flowers, trees, and shrubs we have struggled to raise from a veritable rock pile. As president of the mutual I have attended five sessions of the annual conference. I have mixed emotions. It was an inspiration to hear Elder Widtsoe say, 'I am as clay in the hands of a potter.' Now I know it is my duty to forget material things and respond to the call and do the will of my Father in Heaven.
It is my desire to do a small amount of good while I am young. If someone could say of me, 'she helped me over a rough spot or helped me catch the spirit of the gospel', I would feel my life had not been in vain. The loss of our home and my human weaknesses make me feel I should resign. Then I realize it is an opportunity and I would be cheating myself of growth in our church which means more than anything else."
Another entry in October of 1936 "
Many things and events have impressed me and helped my testimony to grow. Not long ago, our three sons all passed the sacrament together. It gave me a feeling I could not describe. I wish then that I could write a poem describing my inner most gratitude for 3 fine sons.
"Not long after this my grama and grampa lost their oldest son, Alan to a heart ailment, that he had struggled with for years. One night when Alan was very ill a young man in the ward, Lamont Gunderson,

 came over to give him a blessing.

He told them later that he was about to bless Alan that he would get better, but felt inspired to end with a plea for the Lord to take Alan, that his suffering would be brief.

Alan passed away very quietly that night while being held in his dad's arms.

 He was 18 years old.

 A year later grama wrote:

"Here it is a year since Alan left us. It is as fresh in my mind as if it were yesterday. Oh the heartache. Only a mother who has had a similar experience can know the feeling. The tears flow as freely because of the wound which is as deep as the day he left. It is not in my power to describe my emotions to lose one so fond of life. He brought so much joy into our home. Now it is like trying to go full speed on three wheels or some such impossible thing."

 

Grama had other problems to deal with in her life. 

 But she rose to the occasion.  She handled them with grace. 

 Always being there for her family.  Family was the most important thing to her.  She was a simple woman.  She learned early to serve others. 

 She was an ordinary woman who was extraordinary.

 

Another extraordinary woman is my sister, Jolyn.

 

She's the youngest in our family.  She became a widow at the age of forty one. 

She has four children. 

 At this young age she realized she had to reinvent herself. 

She has been an example of strength and generosity to the members of our family. 

Giving back to the Hospital that tried so hard to save her husband's life. 

 Always smiling.. I'm sure she get's down, but seldom does she show it to anyone. 

 As her children have grown and left home, she's had to start over again. 

She's stays busy by serving in the church,
 loving and playing with grandchildren and exploring the world. 

She is the most adventurous woman I know. 

Travelling the world..nothing slows her down. 

 She is a woman of a different time,
but much like our grandmother she rises to the occasion,
 through service, through her faith,
 she is extraordinary. 

 

As I write this post I can think of countless others and will probably post about them in weeks to come.
 These women keep me going.
They go about their lives without much fanfare.
 They just go out there and get things done,
 because they love their families..because they love the Lord, because they have faith,
 because they are righteous.

 

"In any and every age of the world when God has called or commanded man or a people to perform a certain work, they through determination and perserverance, and faith in him, have been enabled to accomplish it."

 

~Wilford Woodruff

"Courage does not Always Roar

I love this quote. 
It reminds me of some very courageous people I know who are going through difficulties. Through it all they continue to get up each day, have a positive attitude and think of others.
 One of these people is my neighbor Danna. 
She has cancer. 
Throughout her chemo and radiation she has continued to teach her fifth grade students each day.  When I visit her and ask how she is, she immediately turns the conversation around and wants to know how I am.
 She continues to serve others while she has been sick. 
She rarely feels sorry for herself.
 She is one of my heroes.
 Another is a little boy named Tyler Hallsey.
 He is battling a tumor in his brain.
 He is the son of  Cricker Hallsey who used tend our kids and hang out with our boys, James and Tyler.  This whole family is facing this trial with optimism and a fighting spirit. 
You can follow Tyler's journey on his facebook page. www.facebook.com#!/whateverittakestylerhallsey.

 I am also amazed by my niece Sarah.  She is going through the heartbreaking issues of infertility.
 As the years have gone by and as her sisters and the other nieces have had their babies, Sarah is always the first to offer to help with showers.  She steps forward with lovely gifts..she always thinks of others..even though her heart is breaking. 
She continues to look forward to the future with optimism and hope. 

These people give me hope.  They are an example of perserverance.  They are the quiet ones who face each day with courage.
 They show me, through their example to "try again tomorrow" to overcome difficulties and be a better person.

Spring Will Come Again

As the winter months go by, I have to remind myself that this perennial is lying dormant in upper garden.  Those lovely blossoms will come out and delight me with their colors.  The snow will melt, the sun will come out and warm the earth..and then one day there will be a bit of green pushing it's way out of the dirt. 
Spring will come again. 

 

My Gratitude Journal

I have always tried to be positive, to show gratitude for all that I have.  It is something that is a part of who I am.  This past month I have been slipping a bit and need to recommit myself.  There are many things in my life that I cannot personally control.  I can try to remain healthy, but when illness hits, there is nothing to do but ride it out.  When some kind of adversity hits that is beyond my control,  I must also do the same.  When I feel down, there is nowhere to go but up.  When I feel hurt, it is up to me to get rid of those hurt feelings and think of someone else, someone who is in worse circumstances, then go and do something for them.  My feelings and the way I look at things are truly the only things I can control.  
So, I feel that I need to strive to pick myself up.  I need to remember back to when I was ill, when I thought that I would never be able to do anything again without my oxygen, and then realize how far I've come.   I need to go back to writing down the simple things I am grateful for.  I remember sometimes it was just that "the sun was out."  Yet what a miracle that is!  It is hard to get rid of the negatives and focus totally on what is good in this life.. yet there are so many things that are good.

1-The beautiful snow
2- A warm house
3- A comfortable bed
4- clean sheets
5- feather pillows

It's a start.

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.  It turns what we have into enough, and more.  It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity.  It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.  Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."
~Melody Beattie

 

Rehab- My Angels

The lessons and learning are easy. The living is hard. Can I be true to myself and this new found sense of peace. I know I have to, I want to. Time flies, good times, bad times - sometimes, I feel closer to those in my group than my family. Though there are those blessed with compassion and understanding even when they do not understand. For these angels I will always be grateful and thank God for placing them in my path.

I have a friend, one that I talk to most days. She knows me well. She lets me ramble and cry and is with me through all the ups and downs of this roller coaster life I'm living. No judgement, just love and concern, asking nothing in return. Did she agree in Heaven to be a special angel, assigned to me, to watch over and bless my life always? What a task she took on, with no payment-except for my admiration and eternal gratitude. Through this experience I learned that only some people are here for the thick of the thick and thin. I found a few who stayed with me regardless, you see they remembered promises made, possibly before we were all born and that lovely daughter and stalwart son never left me. Physically or emotionally. Drug addiction is an ugly business, even in recovery - because it is so hard to understand. These two put aside their own emotions and became totally selfless as they stood beside, encouraged and loved their mother. Whatever victory I enjoy must be shared with them for they have seen me at my worst and because of them and many others I will work hard so they can see me at my best.

In a talk given by Elder Holland he spoke of angels. He said "Have angels ceased? Behold I say Nay. Angels are not just from the other side of the veil. They live in our neighborhoods."

Well, I'll tell you (this is me talking, not Elder Holland) they live in my house, my neighborhood, across the street, next door, all around. I am so grateful each of you were prepared and live your lives so you could bless mine.

There was a day, that day that put all of this into motion. The day when I had taken too many pills.

I was in great need. I do not feel anything is by chance, and so at this time in my life, my dear friends Pat and Teri were my visiting teachers. We see each other so often and talk everyday so they don't always make formal visits, but they do take care of me. They did happen to visit me on that particular day. That day that saved my life. I write about these two sisters because they were inspired by the spirit and acted upon it. They aren't just my friends, they are my sisters. They acted as Christ would have, with charity. "Charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever: and whosoever is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him." None of us here on earth is perfect, but when we serve in His name we become as close to perfect as possible. On that day they took care of a sister in need to perfection. They were as close to the Savior as one could be here on earth. "Wherefore, my sisters, who have prayed unto the Father with all energy of heart, that you may be filled with his love; that when He shall appear we shall be like Him". Teri and Pat have His light shining through them.

Always angels wherever I go. But angels must listen. There are chances for all to be angels. In the future I might be called to be an angel for someone, but miss my chance if I don't live my life well and listen to promptings. I might be in the right place at the right time, but if I'm not aware and not in touch with the spirit then I won't remember that I promised once a long time ago to help someone in need, and oh, how sorry I'll be if I miss out on that wonderful opportunity to show someone that I love them and care for them.

To all of you who helped me along the way,

Thank you for being my angels.

Love, Polly

Be not forgetful to entertain strangers;

for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.

Hebrew 13:2

Rehab-Aftercare, part of the process

I am finally leaving the hospital. I am very excited to leave, also a bit scared. I have been safe in here. I have had help and support. People who understand. It has been an experience I will never forget. I don't want to ever repeat it, but dare I say I am glad I actually went through this and came out the other side. I think I'm even a bit sad. I know I will never see these people again, but I will miss them and never forget them or the lessons I learned. Now I must actually start living those lessons. That is the hard part.

Home again. I think everyone is a bit afraid of me. They don't know how to react and I can sense my family doesn't want to hear all of my new found wisdom, learned from therapy while I was in the hospital, so I am quiet. I am feeling quite isolated. I start an intensive outpatient group and am actually excited, because I know I will find my "own kind" there. It is sad that at times like these the people closest tend to stay away emotionally. We need them so desperately, yet they don't understand. They have been hurt and betrayed. The drug addict gets all the help. While I go to meetings and am surrounded by love and supportive angels, my family is just out there wandering and they don't know what to do. I have found the greatest healer of all is love. That love that is in all of us. I must never let hurts, resentments, sadness squelch that love that burns so intensively inside me. It kept me going in the hospital. I must learn to give away that love wherever I go. That's what will help heal us all.

I met another band of angels at my Aftercare, where miracles happen daily. As another group of ragtag drug addicts work at putting their lives back together. I have come to the conclusion that if a person can truly be humble, do the work and beat drug addiction, that takes such a strong hold over your body and mind, you can pretty much accomplish anything you set out to do the rest of your life. Over the next four months there were so many times I would like to have taken a sleeping pill, oh just for a good nights rest. A pain pill to help the horrible pain in my back and legs or an anxiety pill, when I would have an anxiety attack. To feel that calming feeling that comes over me, just to rest. But I am resisting each time, just taking in deep breaths. I follow the rules and am proud to say that most of my friends in the group are too. We developed a great love and respect and bond over these victories because we know how hard it is. We lose some from the group. It is inevitable. Humility is the biggest part and some are just not ready yet. I pray that soon they will come back, because there is nothing worse than coming to a meeting and seeing an empty chair. That person thinks they can beat it on their own. They can't, we all need help, we need each other to perform miracles in our lives.

I continue to learn and grow and get stronger. Each day that I go to my group I am more determine to beat this thing that tried to take over my life. I am starting to like who I am a bit more. I am feeling healthy again. My hair is starting to grow back, my eyelashes too. I am starting to lose weight. I feel like I have more control. How can I every repay my angels who have helped me get to this place? I love the counselor who takes care of her flock in Aftercare. She is hard on us, but loves us so much and wants so badly for us to succeed. I gave her a book when I left her care and a phrase in this book describes her to perfection.

"We are all here to help each other. Whenever God works a miracle it is always done thru another person." Og Mandino.

This describes my sweet counselor to perfection. She is certainly a tool in God's hands, her compassion is boundless, her love is unending. She works miracles every day and she is certainly one of my angels.

Rehab-Angels and Miracles do Exist

It seemed so weird that this was me. I had such a joyful childhood. Parents that loved me, a home filled with that love and security. Just like being wrapped in one of my grama's handstitched quilts on a winter's evening. Well it was certainly a winter's evening.

That first night was so awful, coming down off the drugs. Scared out of my mind. Feeling as if my family would never love or understand me again. I have never felt so alone. I was put in a room with another woman who was much worse off than me. She was not rational and would periodically start screaming for what appeared to be no reason. I tried to calm her and then go and get someone to help. There were guards outside the doors, and when she would quiet down I would burrow under the covers and cry and pray that I would survive this ordeal and be able to get back to my family. I would do anything. I made it through that first night although I didn't sleep at all. The next morning I found out some of the trials of my roommate, and I began to feel bad and a bit of compassion made its way into my shellshocked soul as I realized that these people would be my family for a few weeks. The strange group wandering the halls of this hospital were all children of God. I was exactly the same as the homeless and the schizophrenics. It doesn't matter whether you are a teenager trying to get high, someone escaping from life's difficulties, or getting hooked because of medication taken while ill. It is all the same. We were all the same in God's eyes. If I were to survive, I needed to learn and feel that lesson and love that same way. In those first days the love that came over me was so overwhelming. I felt a strong love for those in the hospital with me and I started to feel the Lord's arms wrapped firmly around me.

I resolved to do my best.

The Room- It is there for those who are so dangerous to themselves or others that they are put in solitary confinement. It is a plain room with no bathroom, bed bolted to the floor, one blanket, no window. They also lock you in with an aide sitting outside the door. The third night of my hospital stay, I had not slept at all. I was exhausted - my goal was to stay active during the day and pray that I would be able to sleep at night. That third night it was getting close to midnight and sleep wasn't happening, again, so I went out and asked the nurse if the solitary room was being used. There was no one there that night. I have never been so grateful. I thought for just a moment of my big beautiful bed at home with its quilt, the warm soft comforter and the clean crisp sheets. Oh, those down pillows I sink my head into at night. I looked at this cell like room and realize I only need one small bed, one pillow, one blanket, one quiet room. I heard the door lock as the aide left, said a prayer of thanksgiving, got into bed and for the first time in days fell asleep.

After a night's sleep my head is clearer, I am ready for whatever this place has to offer me. I wonder now if I would change things if I could? I can't, What's done is done. But, with much introspection, crying out, prayer and meditation I don't know if I would change everything. I feel kind of like I have moved to a different room, that I jumped off my world and took this opportunity to stop and realize that I needed to take inventory, that I needed to humble myself. I learned here in rehab that no matter who any of us are here on earth, we all have flaws, some bigger than others. I was flawed and because of this I needed to stop and be "deflawed". Realizing this and doing something about it has put me in a different place - a place where my mind is more open to learning, to accepting, to loving unconditionally. To try to be humble always, to accepting things I can't do anything about and having the strength to do something if I can help. I feel calmer. I feel more peaceful. I feel more positive and happy. I like this room better and I want to stay here.

I fulfilled all the requirements and moved into another section of the hospital. There was a bit more freedom and a nicer room. The classes were more informative and the therapy more intensive. I could go to the cafeteria for lunch. It's funny, but when I saw my friends from the other section I run to see them as if they are my long lost family. We bonded in that short time. Here in this place when I finally let my guard down I felt love for my neighbor quickly. It was a lovely lesson in caring for all people. I remember one night in our wrap up meeting before bed as we go over the day, I told the group how I felt about them. I had discovered a new word "psala", which is an ancient Hebrew word meaning "to pause". That night as I paused and looked into each face I realized what each of these people had taught me. We weren't all a bunch of "crazies" or "drug addicts", but valued children of God. I remember thinking at this particular time I started believing in angels and miracles again. These people were just the first of many angels and were apart of many miracles that would be regular occurances in my life.

Rehab - Learning to Live and Love Again

How do I start this story? How do I tell the reader how I got from there to here? How do I explain that to myself? The truth is I can't, because this isn't just my story. It is the story of everyone. It is the story of the lonely, the story of the homeless, the story of the fortunate,the story of those that find themselves in uncomforatable circumstances, the story of those that help the sick, the story of those that support others, mostly it is the story of those that serve, and I think in some way or another we all serve somewhere along the line. So it is a story about us all and a story about hope.

I had been sick for three years with a bacterial infection in my lungs called Nocardia. I had been in and out of the hospital, constantly hooked up to oxygen. The illness had been a huge emotional drain on me and my family. As I was getting better, I was left trying to get off of the prednisone, pain killers, anti-anxiety medicines and sleeping pills I had been taking for the duration of the illness. Basically I was left a drug addict. After six months of going off the prednisone, on October 13, 2007 I took my last pill. I thought I was home free! Was I wrong. I just didn't realize how hooked I was to everything else, and a few weeks after I stopped the prednisone I crashed. Feeling so depressed and anxious I didn't think I could take it. I clung to my anxiety meds and became more depressed, and in January things were so bad that one weekend I took a lot of pills, then would wake up and not realizing what I was doing would take more. An accidental overdoes. My family decided that at that point I needed to go to a rehab and I agreed. I didn't see any way out of this without help. I felt that I caused so much trouble for my family that I just needed to go away and let them rest. I know the feeling of dying was with me a lot. Not taking my life, but just such an overwelming tiredness . There was a lot of depression, perhaps fighting for my life for the past three years had taken everything out of me. I felt beaten, rejected, resigned.

It's been two years since I started my long road back. In some ways it seems like just a minute, but I've lived a lifetime in what I've learned and felt. The people I've met and how I've learned to love, That is the most important. I have always loved, but I have learned to love differently, on a different level. Certainly with more compassion, with more acceptance, with a desire to make another feel they are important, because I have felt the least important and unloved and do not want anyone to have that feeling. I believe one of the reasons we are here on earth is to learn that principal. How to cherish others and make each other feel loved. Whether it be a stranger in a hospital, on the street, our neighbor, our sister, brother, child or spouse. I met souls along this journey who know how to cherish and they have the light of Christ shining in their eyes.

In the next few posts I am going to tell of my experiences as I lived and

learned through rehab. I hope you will read along.