Spring!

Comes the fresh Spring
in all her green
completed.
Elizabeth Barrett Browning

It was so beautiful today I transplanted
some tulips. I can't wait to get
my hands into the dirt.

Faith of a Mustard Seed

Spring is on its way. Spring with its promise of all things green,is my favorite time of year. Those first warm days that make you
think of hot summer nights. There is hope in the air. I get excited at each sign that my yard is waking up. Small bulbs, planted years ago are struggling out of the hard ground. If it does snow, it melts quickly.

Today I will plant pansies in a few of my pots on the front porch and maybe one or two renoculous. My favorites! They are a glorious precursor of what is to come Later in the spring I will plant seeds in the ground by my trellis. They will be scarlett bean and morning glory vines. They start out just a small seed in the ground. I nurture them and care for them and then I wait. A week, or two?
Maybe - then one day I wake up, go outside and see a little string of green and then the next day several more strings. They look a little pathetic at first, sometimes needing a bit of twine to hold them up. The vines seem very frail at first. I must be careful with them or they will break. Each day as they grow I start twisting them around each other. The singular vine from each seed is getting stronger and then as I twist them together they gain in strenth. Somedays I go outside to see how my vines are doing and they seem to have grown a foot overnight. They get more full and become bushier.

After about six weeks I start noticing a flower starting to form within the leaves - This is when my excitement really starts setting in. I have enjoyed watching these plants grow from tiny seeds. The whole process. I have experienced the miracle of watching the seeds from the beginning and go through the stages. To struggle to grow through the hard ground, to grow taller and bushier, finally to bloom! Oh beautiful blooms in all different colors, deep purple, bright fuscia, startling white, perwinkle blue. Different colors, but climbing up the same post of my trellis. It is a miracle.

I think of my concerns and worries for my family . I must have faith. I have planted the seeds, I took care of them all the best I could, they are all different, but oh so beautiful. The process is the same, and the miracle always happens. I would never go a day without taking care of my plants. How grateful I am for spring, to remind me. I just have to look outside to be reminded that Heavenly Father will help me accomplish anything. It is His promise. I just have to plant the seed, do the work, have the faith. He will take care of the rest.

What is Nocardia?

After my recent posts I was asked by a few to explain the illness I had that proceeded my drug addiction. About five years ago I became ill with what appeared to be a respiratory problem. The doctors could not figure out what was going on. But after several emergency runs to the hospital not able to breath and two week long visits there we knew something serious was happening. This started in January and by June I had been on oxygen and high doses of prednisone and undergone many tests still not knowing why I was sick. One such test was particularly scary. The results were a collapsed lung and some spots on the other lung. We spent a long weekend praying and fasting that things would go well, and when the doctor called on Monday our prayers were answered. The scrapings showed a very rare bacteria called Nocardia. At last we had a name for what was causing my problems. Nocardia only affects about 500 people in the US a year, so it is fairly difficult to diagnose. It is a bacterial infection that usually starts in the lungs. It can spread to other organs, most often the brain and the skin. But may also involve the kidneys, joints, heart, eyes and bones. Complications of nocardial infections may lead to scarring and chronic shortness of breath. Brain abscesses may lead to loss of neurological function. At one point I had such serious sinus problems, I had to have surgery on my sinus's to make sure the nocardia had not spread to my brain. When they finally diagnosed the illness, it took a year and a half of antibiotics to kill the bacteria. The trick was to stay alive while the antibiotics were slowly killing the bacteria. A large oxygen machine became a part of my life and many other breathing treatments. But the big thing that kept me breathing was the dreaded medication prednisone. It keeps you alive, but causes all kinds of awful side affects. I gained 50 pounds, my mind and nervous system got really messed up, when I was on the prednisone intraveneously I had to be on insulin, because it puts you in a diabetic state. If I was on high doses I'd have more energy and be able to breath better, but the minute we'd start tapering down my body would just crash. Needless to say, the next few years I was in and out of the hospital or in bed trying to keep my oxygen level at 90 or above. It was a long and trying time for both me and my family, but with prayer and faith we lived through it. Some would say they would like to forget such miserable times as these, I might agree, but can't, because as awful as it was, I was served by family and friends with such kindness, love and understanding, that I need to remember those valuable lessons learned so I can serve others now that I have been given the most wonderful gift of health.

Sweet Husband

I don't have to be impatient for spring flowers, when
I come home and find these waiting for me with a
sweet love note from my husband. What a way
to brighten my day! Thank you Jim, I love you too.

Rehab- My Angels

The lessons and learning are easy. The living is hard. Can I be true to myself and this new found sense of peace. I know I have to, I want to. Time flies, good times, bad times - sometimes, I feel closer to those in my group than my family. Though there are those blessed with compassion and understanding even when they do not understand. For these angels I will always be grateful and thank God for placing them in my path.

I have a friend, one that I talk to most days. She knows me well. She lets me ramble and cry and is with me through all the ups and downs of this roller coaster life I'm living. No judgement, just love and concern, asking nothing in return. Did she agree in Heaven to be a special angel, assigned to me, to watch over and bless my life always? What a task she took on, with no payment-except for my admiration and eternal gratitude. Through this experience I learned that only some people are here for the thick of the thick and thin. I found a few who stayed with me regardless, you see they remembered promises made, possibly before we were all born and that lovely daughter and stalwart son never left me. Physically or emotionally. Drug addiction is an ugly business, even in recovery - because it is so hard to understand. These two put aside their own emotions and became totally selfless as they stood beside, encouraged and loved their mother. Whatever victory I enjoy must be shared with them for they have seen me at my worst and because of them and many others I will work hard so they can see me at my best.

In a talk given by Elder Holland he spoke of angels. He said "Have angels ceased? Behold I say Nay. Angels are not just from the other side of the veil. They live in our neighborhoods."

Well, I'll tell you (this is me talking, not Elder Holland) they live in my house, my neighborhood, across the street, next door, all around. I am so grateful each of you were prepared and live your lives so you could bless mine.

There was a day, that day that put all of this into motion. The day when I had taken too many pills.

I was in great need. I do not feel anything is by chance, and so at this time in my life, my dear friends Pat and Teri were my visiting teachers. We see each other so often and talk everyday so they don't always make formal visits, but they do take care of me. They did happen to visit me on that particular day. That day that saved my life. I write about these two sisters because they were inspired by the spirit and acted upon it. They aren't just my friends, they are my sisters. They acted as Christ would have, with charity. "Charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever: and whosoever is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him." None of us here on earth is perfect, but when we serve in His name we become as close to perfect as possible. On that day they took care of a sister in need to perfection. They were as close to the Savior as one could be here on earth. "Wherefore, my sisters, who have prayed unto the Father with all energy of heart, that you may be filled with his love; that when He shall appear we shall be like Him". Teri and Pat have His light shining through them.

Always angels wherever I go. But angels must listen. There are chances for all to be angels. In the future I might be called to be an angel for someone, but miss my chance if I don't live my life well and listen to promptings. I might be in the right place at the right time, but if I'm not aware and not in touch with the spirit then I won't remember that I promised once a long time ago to help someone in need, and oh, how sorry I'll be if I miss out on that wonderful opportunity to show someone that I love them and care for them.

To all of you who helped me along the way,

Thank you for being my angels.

Love, Polly

Be not forgetful to entertain strangers;

for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.

Hebrew 13:2

Rehab-Aftercare, part of the process

I am finally leaving the hospital. I am very excited to leave, also a bit scared. I have been safe in here. I have had help and support. People who understand. It has been an experience I will never forget. I don't want to ever repeat it, but dare I say I am glad I actually went through this and came out the other side. I think I'm even a bit sad. I know I will never see these people again, but I will miss them and never forget them or the lessons I learned. Now I must actually start living those lessons. That is the hard part.

Home again. I think everyone is a bit afraid of me. They don't know how to react and I can sense my family doesn't want to hear all of my new found wisdom, learned from therapy while I was in the hospital, so I am quiet. I am feeling quite isolated. I start an intensive outpatient group and am actually excited, because I know I will find my "own kind" there. It is sad that at times like these the people closest tend to stay away emotionally. We need them so desperately, yet they don't understand. They have been hurt and betrayed. The drug addict gets all the help. While I go to meetings and am surrounded by love and supportive angels, my family is just out there wandering and they don't know what to do. I have found the greatest healer of all is love. That love that is in all of us. I must never let hurts, resentments, sadness squelch that love that burns so intensively inside me. It kept me going in the hospital. I must learn to give away that love wherever I go. That's what will help heal us all.

I met another band of angels at my Aftercare, where miracles happen daily. As another group of ragtag drug addicts work at putting their lives back together. I have come to the conclusion that if a person can truly be humble, do the work and beat drug addiction, that takes such a strong hold over your body and mind, you can pretty much accomplish anything you set out to do the rest of your life. Over the next four months there were so many times I would like to have taken a sleeping pill, oh just for a good nights rest. A pain pill to help the horrible pain in my back and legs or an anxiety pill, when I would have an anxiety attack. To feel that calming feeling that comes over me, just to rest. But I am resisting each time, just taking in deep breaths. I follow the rules and am proud to say that most of my friends in the group are too. We developed a great love and respect and bond over these victories because we know how hard it is. We lose some from the group. It is inevitable. Humility is the biggest part and some are just not ready yet. I pray that soon they will come back, because there is nothing worse than coming to a meeting and seeing an empty chair. That person thinks they can beat it on their own. They can't, we all need help, we need each other to perform miracles in our lives.

I continue to learn and grow and get stronger. Each day that I go to my group I am more determine to beat this thing that tried to take over my life. I am starting to like who I am a bit more. I am feeling healthy again. My hair is starting to grow back, my eyelashes too. I am starting to lose weight. I feel like I have more control. How can I every repay my angels who have helped me get to this place? I love the counselor who takes care of her flock in Aftercare. She is hard on us, but loves us so much and wants so badly for us to succeed. I gave her a book when I left her care and a phrase in this book describes her to perfection.

"We are all here to help each other. Whenever God works a miracle it is always done thru another person." Og Mandino.

This describes my sweet counselor to perfection. She is certainly a tool in God's hands, her compassion is boundless, her love is unending. She works miracles every day and she is certainly one of my angels.

Rehab-Angels and Miracles do Exist

It seemed so weird that this was me. I had such a joyful childhood. Parents that loved me, a home filled with that love and security. Just like being wrapped in one of my grama's handstitched quilts on a winter's evening. Well it was certainly a winter's evening.

That first night was so awful, coming down off the drugs. Scared out of my mind. Feeling as if my family would never love or understand me again. I have never felt so alone. I was put in a room with another woman who was much worse off than me. She was not rational and would periodically start screaming for what appeared to be no reason. I tried to calm her and then go and get someone to help. There were guards outside the doors, and when she would quiet down I would burrow under the covers and cry and pray that I would survive this ordeal and be able to get back to my family. I would do anything. I made it through that first night although I didn't sleep at all. The next morning I found out some of the trials of my roommate, and I began to feel bad and a bit of compassion made its way into my shellshocked soul as I realized that these people would be my family for a few weeks. The strange group wandering the halls of this hospital were all children of God. I was exactly the same as the homeless and the schizophrenics. It doesn't matter whether you are a teenager trying to get high, someone escaping from life's difficulties, or getting hooked because of medication taken while ill. It is all the same. We were all the same in God's eyes. If I were to survive, I needed to learn and feel that lesson and love that same way. In those first days the love that came over me was so overwhelming. I felt a strong love for those in the hospital with me and I started to feel the Lord's arms wrapped firmly around me.

I resolved to do my best.

The Room- It is there for those who are so dangerous to themselves or others that they are put in solitary confinement. It is a plain room with no bathroom, bed bolted to the floor, one blanket, no window. They also lock you in with an aide sitting outside the door. The third night of my hospital stay, I had not slept at all. I was exhausted - my goal was to stay active during the day and pray that I would be able to sleep at night. That third night it was getting close to midnight and sleep wasn't happening, again, so I went out and asked the nurse if the solitary room was being used. There was no one there that night. I have never been so grateful. I thought for just a moment of my big beautiful bed at home with its quilt, the warm soft comforter and the clean crisp sheets. Oh, those down pillows I sink my head into at night. I looked at this cell like room and realize I only need one small bed, one pillow, one blanket, one quiet room. I heard the door lock as the aide left, said a prayer of thanksgiving, got into bed and for the first time in days fell asleep.

After a night's sleep my head is clearer, I am ready for whatever this place has to offer me. I wonder now if I would change things if I could? I can't, What's done is done. But, with much introspection, crying out, prayer and meditation I don't know if I would change everything. I feel kind of like I have moved to a different room, that I jumped off my world and took this opportunity to stop and realize that I needed to take inventory, that I needed to humble myself. I learned here in rehab that no matter who any of us are here on earth, we all have flaws, some bigger than others. I was flawed and because of this I needed to stop and be "deflawed". Realizing this and doing something about it has put me in a different place - a place where my mind is more open to learning, to accepting, to loving unconditionally. To try to be humble always, to accepting things I can't do anything about and having the strength to do something if I can help. I feel calmer. I feel more peaceful. I feel more positive and happy. I like this room better and I want to stay here.

I fulfilled all the requirements and moved into another section of the hospital. There was a bit more freedom and a nicer room. The classes were more informative and the therapy more intensive. I could go to the cafeteria for lunch. It's funny, but when I saw my friends from the other section I run to see them as if they are my long lost family. We bonded in that short time. Here in this place when I finally let my guard down I felt love for my neighbor quickly. It was a lovely lesson in caring for all people. I remember one night in our wrap up meeting before bed as we go over the day, I told the group how I felt about them. I had discovered a new word "psala", which is an ancient Hebrew word meaning "to pause". That night as I paused and looked into each face I realized what each of these people had taught me. We weren't all a bunch of "crazies" or "drug addicts", but valued children of God. I remember thinking at this particular time I started believing in angels and miracles again. These people were just the first of many angels and were apart of many miracles that would be regular occurances in my life.

Rehab - Learning to Live and Love Again

How do I start this story? How do I tell the reader how I got from there to here? How do I explain that to myself? The truth is I can't, because this isn't just my story. It is the story of everyone. It is the story of the lonely, the story of the homeless, the story of the fortunate,the story of those that find themselves in uncomforatable circumstances, the story of those that help the sick, the story of those that support others, mostly it is the story of those that serve, and I think in some way or another we all serve somewhere along the line. So it is a story about us all and a story about hope.

I had been sick for three years with a bacterial infection in my lungs called Nocardia. I had been in and out of the hospital, constantly hooked up to oxygen. The illness had been a huge emotional drain on me and my family. As I was getting better, I was left trying to get off of the prednisone, pain killers, anti-anxiety medicines and sleeping pills I had been taking for the duration of the illness. Basically I was left a drug addict. After six months of going off the prednisone, on October 13, 2007 I took my last pill. I thought I was home free! Was I wrong. I just didn't realize how hooked I was to everything else, and a few weeks after I stopped the prednisone I crashed. Feeling so depressed and anxious I didn't think I could take it. I clung to my anxiety meds and became more depressed, and in January things were so bad that one weekend I took a lot of pills, then would wake up and not realizing what I was doing would take more. An accidental overdoes. My family decided that at that point I needed to go to a rehab and I agreed. I didn't see any way out of this without help. I felt that I caused so much trouble for my family that I just needed to go away and let them rest. I know the feeling of dying was with me a lot. Not taking my life, but just such an overwelming tiredness . There was a lot of depression, perhaps fighting for my life for the past three years had taken everything out of me. I felt beaten, rejected, resigned.

It's been two years since I started my long road back. In some ways it seems like just a minute, but I've lived a lifetime in what I've learned and felt. The people I've met and how I've learned to love, That is the most important. I have always loved, but I have learned to love differently, on a different level. Certainly with more compassion, with more acceptance, with a desire to make another feel they are important, because I have felt the least important and unloved and do not want anyone to have that feeling. I believe one of the reasons we are here on earth is to learn that principal. How to cherish others and make each other feel loved. Whether it be a stranger in a hospital, on the street, our neighbor, our sister, brother, child or spouse. I met souls along this journey who know how to cherish and they have the light of Christ shining in their eyes.

In the next few posts I am going to tell of my experiences as I lived and

learned through rehab. I hope you will read along.

Happy Birthday Abby

Thirty three years ago I gave birth to
my first daughter. After having two
sons, I was so excited to have a little girl.
I'd always wanted an Abigail, after Abigail Adams.
She was a woman I admired because she stood up
for women's rights while being the ultimate wife
and mother. She kept the farm going while
John was gone getting the country started. I don't
think she was a woman to be trifled with. Abby has
lived up to her namesake. How I love this beautiful
daughter and am grateful she is one of my very
best friends. Hope you've had a Happy Day.

Love, Mom

"Sing your song with confidence.
You have a beautiful melody inside you-
Share it with the world."

Julie Mitchel Marra