When I was young I thought I knew everything about everything.
I was quite positive I knew everything about marriage, raising children, and my faith.
Of course this was before I was married, had children or knew anything about anything.
When I had my children I was somewhat of an earth mother.
Feeling that natural childbirth was the only way, and of course any person who was medicated in any way was not quite up to par.
I was a militant Le Leche (nursing mother) member.
Going to meetings - well I guess they were support groups,
but I think if there had been a march somewhere I would have marched.
If you didn't nurse your child, you were just not a very good mother,
and your child surely wouldn't be well adjusted or healthy.
(oh how judgmental, I was).
In Relief Society I always sat on the front row,
hand raised offering answers and opinions on all subjects,
wondering why the older ladies sat on the back row,
usually sitting very quietly with amused (or dazed) expressions on their faces.
I had the world figured out and I could do just about anything.
My oldest child was about six.
My oldest child is now almost thirty nine.
I have learned that I know nothing.
I think it first dawned on me years ago during a family home evening.
I was part of a family home evening group.
We prepared six of the same lesson,
took them to the group and came home with six different beautifully prepared lessons.
I was giving one of these lovely lessons,
and the children were not listening as attentively as I thought they should,
I got upset and left the room.
I went downstairs, and started to paint.
But their laughter brought me back upstairs,
Jim had them gathered around, all five, playing poker!
They were having a great time -
at the end of their game, they ended with prayer and had refreshments!
At that point I quit the home evening group.
I decided I might look at Family Home Evening from a different angle.
I moved back a few rows in Relief Society.
I didn't answer as many questions and listened more.
I started asking questions and found that those ladies on the back row know a lot more than they were letting on. I found that each child has a different way of learning and communicating.
I found that my way isn't the only way.
I found that babies live when fed by a bottle and that it is actually really nice for the mother to have a break now and then while someone else cuddles her little one.
I found that epidurals are the only way to have a baby.
I found that the back row in Relief Society is the perfect place to sit.
I can sit quietly with a dazed look on my face, while everybody else answers the questions.
I've found that humor and faith are the things that get me through and that most things work out
- eventually.
I've found that there are tons of ways to be a good mom,
as many ways as there are moms.
It all comes down to loving those little ones, and enjoying each moment with them.
I've found that the answers are learned along the way through experiences.
I learned that marriage is a journey where I discover new things about my husband
each year, each week, each day,
and I have to continually learn to improve myself, to be a better person,
to stay interesting, loving and unselfish.
I learned that I was not the teacher to my children, for they taught me far more than I taught them.
I would never have learned compassion, service, unconditional love, joy, heartache, gratitude, but for my kids.
Yet I still wonder, I still don't know the answers, I don't know much,
I still just hang on and laugh a little at that young girl who knew so much.
She was young and idealistic, which is good.
Her faith had not been tested.
I know one thing about her though,
she knew everything about her faith then.
That faith has been tested, with many tests to come,
and even though I know nothing about anything else,
of that Faith I am still sure.
